Tough Lesson

Eight summers ago I spent a month at Crooked Creek Ranch, a Young Life camp in Colorado. It was one my favorite summers ever for several reasons (beautiful place, beautiful people, fun "job", and lots of growing). One of the things that I still remember is memorizing Philippians 2:1-11. I can't say that I still remember it word for word but with a few prompts I can say it through. I pulled out my Bible tonight and reread those verses, hoping they would bring some encouragement to me.

Phil 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humilty consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."

I can say one of the hardest things that I am learning right now is how to be selfless. Of course, before I had Caroline I knew that I would have to be selfless or at least more so than I was! People told me my life would change. I could say those things and think them over and over but being in the midst of it now is hard. Of course I want to do things for her and care for her and make sure she doesn't have any tears. Of course I love her with all my heart... but I'm still me! I'm still human. There are still selfish desires within me. I still want to shower occassionally. I still want to wear clean clothes, go swimming, hike mountains, eat dinner in peace. However, these things and many more can be difficult with a little one.

In talking with Mark tonight I realized my selfish desires aren't even really that selfish at first glance (cleaning the kitchen, paying bills, doing laundry). However, many of these things I like to do because it brings calm and peace to my life. Yes, they need to be done but when Caroline is screaming her guts out, my desire to bring order to my life needs to take a back seat and I need to focus on her. BUT, inside I'm still desiring to bring order to the rest of my life. I'm making sense, right? I can only do so much at one time and being selfless right now means being content with just caring for her. In time she will have a routine, she will be able to entertain herself for short periods of time and calm herself. But now is not that time and I need to practice putting her interests before mine, with a smile on my face.