Nicole the boxer

Mark is normally the analogy person but I was laying in bed thinking tonight and came up with one for myself at the moment. I think I am a boxer sometimes. I don't know much about boxing except for what I learned from watching Million Dollar Baby. I think I remember learning that boxers always have to keep their feet moving. When Mark is gone I have always got my feet, brain and much more moving. I have to keep everything together for myself and Caroline.

I also have my hands up in front of me to protect myself. I can't allow myself to show any weakness while Mark is away because I'm in charge. When Mark comes home from out of town (or after working 10 days in row, the last 4 of which were 14 hour days) I ask him to join me in the ring. Not to fight...just to join me in moving our feet, bouncing around trying to keep everything going. Can you wash the dishes? Can you hold Caroline while I do some work for the church? Mark gladly joins in and we work well together as a team.

The problem is that when we are both shuffling around there is no time for fun, laughter or relaxing. As I said we work great as a team but there is not the connection or intimacy (I'm not talking about just that) that a husband and wife should share. It then gets worse if Mark says something, anything really that doesn't sit quite right. I immediately throw a punch to keep him at a distance. The punch is not to hurt him. I'm not really angry with him at all. I realize that whatever he said is not really a big deal and is not really the problem. The punch is just a way to keep him at a distance, to continue protecting myself and to keep things going. I realize that the "punch" is not fair to Mark but I have a hard time letting my guard down when he gets home. I was trying to explain this to Mark tonight but I'm not sure I did a good job. I just kept telling him that I wanted him to come home and "be gentle" with me. In my boxing analogy I want him to be the one to bring me back to my corner and offer me some cool water. I want him to put a bandaid on any hurts from the days he has been gone, to give me a pep talk or rub my shoulders. The hard part is realizing that occassionally it would be ok to ask/hope that Mark would be that gentle and loving towards me. However, I need to learn to let my guard down more quickly without the extra help from Mark. I know that it makes our relationship more difficult the longer I put up the guard. I need to take it down the moment he comes home. The quicker I can relax, the more willing he is going to be to relax as well. The self defense is something I'm sure I learned long ago from when my Dad traveled so much. Although I recognize the problem and have since Mark and I have been married, I need continued prayers to let go.